I launched my first tarot deck.
During the design stage for A King’s Journey, I meditated on each of the 78 energies in tarot and allowed the images to come to me as it wanted to be presented. I would sketch each design, and then meditate again. After, I would take notes to make sure that I could bring forth the energy on each card.
A King’s Journey (the end result) was an amazing celebration of a grand idea of five suits being used as a 2 in one deck. I was so proud to have completed such a feat. I will forever be grateful for James Battersby (the artist that took my ideas, sketches and design details and commercialized a final product).
Shortly after, I hit bottom — driven by the triggers stemming from Complex PTSD that I was diagnosed with 20 years earlier. Triggers that left me feeling depressed and reminded me, relentlessly, of my low self-worth that had been dictated to me over the whole of my life so that I was conditioned to believe that not only was I a failure, but someone not deserving of love, appreciation or.. well, even to live life.
It seemed that reminders came from every turn, clients, family, the man I was in love with.. no matter where I turned, there was no out or reassurance from the feeling of rejection and unlove that overwhelmed me so much so.. I isolated myself from life and spent a lot of time convincing myself that there is a reason to still breathe another breath. ‘Tho sometimes I felt I was telling myself a lie.
Who knew that this was a real disorder that had the ability to stand between me and everything I loved : Tarot, my boyfriend, friends, travel, business, coaching, laughing, creating, being love, being active and feeling joy?
I tried to push it down and created a second tarot deck called Simply Deep Tarot.
I struggled with everything from self worth to depression and hyper-vigilant anxiety that made it difficult to handle much of anything.
I began to isolate myself from the outside world in every way except reading tarot for clients. I could not go out without crying. I shut my blinds and stayed in my world. No friends, no family. Sometimes going days upon days without talking to anyone at all.
I didn’t eat, and sleep was difficult. I gained weight as the stress hormones invaded my body.
It was then that I KNEW I had to get help!
I literally took my healing in my own hands with the support of an amazing therapist that specialized in trauma.. and I began to heal.
It wasn’t easy, but I dedicated myself to staying focused on relieving myself of these memories that continued to give me anxiety. I let go of toxic people in my life that kept re-triggering my trauma through providing emotional and mental maltreatment.
I even went so far as to write a grant proposal for my county to provide trauma treatment to people that suffered from PTSD resulting from childhood trauma and abuse, or domestic violence. A county mental health counseling center loved it and offered to purchase it.. my healing journey was well under way!
I took a step back from reading tarot for clients.
The more I saw clients, the more I realized how I enabled them to take a back seat to their life. Every single time I was asked a question about when someone was getting a job or when they were finding a man in their life, I would cringe.
As a professional, I helped them along in their quest by rewording their questions to find out what steps they could take in order to bring about the vision they wanted. But many, not all, but many were upset that the future has possibilities that they can’t control.
Some were upset they would have to transform their lives to meet their vision with no guarantee that the vision of life they prepared for their selves might not manifest in the way they envisioned it nor manifest as quickly as they liked.
Then there were other clients that were angry that life takes a twist and turn, tries to show them lessons, or how dare the cards suggest that they would have to put forth some work.. true work to understand their life and world. But even worse, for many, the cards suggested that people would have to change if they wanted to see change in their life.
We all know that doing the same thing over and over again WILL result in the same place you are now. If you want something different then you have to change something about how you are going about getting it.
Most clients would demand to not tell them any of that helpful tips and guidelines to guide them, just tell them when they were going to get what they wanted. Which is not in ‘the cards’ since they weren’t on a path going in that direction.
That’s when I realized my perspective of tarot had shifted and moved from a profound belief system to a drug that fed the anxiety of unfilled hopes and dreams.
My clients were some of the most beautiful souls that I ever met – and I mean that – , but I could not continue feeding them this drug another day just so they could feel like they could live life one more day waiting for a dream to appear or the future to manifest, thus putting life on hold.. checking in from time to time to see the whys of their past, and whether or not, or even if, their path changed and how far is the dream in the future.. so they come to me so I give them another hit of this picture induced drug.
So I stopped. Cold turkey. I stopped.
I heard a lot of screams from my beloved clients, “But you are SO good! You are sooo accurate!”
But I walked away from tarot.
I continued on with my intensive treatment from trauma and changed my perspective on love…. on happiness… on people ….on my spirituality and more than anything… on my APPROACH to life.
I began to practice mindfulness and began to live in the present. I happily let go of my past and learned to just be.
My anxiety plummeted.
My trauma ceased.
I worked on building personal skills I never developed as a child and strengthened the damaged energy that I lived in for so long.
I opened up my heart to be less vulnerable to people.
I got out of the house.
I began to branch out and help others in my community by doing advocacy work.
I joined a couple of mental health boards
I began to speak in trainings
I joined a gym.
I live in my mind and body.
I have reaquainted myself with nourishment of both my soul and my body.
Anxiety decreased and I went through withdraw from the cortisol and adrenaline that fueled every action and choice I made in my life up to now.
I smile more
I see the world much more brightly now (seriously.. the colors are more vibrant)
I never felt so secure in my life.
It is now, that I can look at life as it is. No longer an insult to all my senses.
I look out at the world with fresh eyes.. I wish I could say innocent, but they aren’t. But fresh.. yes. With love and joy.. Yes.
I lean back on my spirituality.. the basis of everything that has gotten me through every single stage in my life.
Looking deep into my environment, I work with the energy around me. I access the information from all my esoteric wisdom that I gained over all these years.
In seeing the world through my different eyes, I realize how I see tarot all around and in every aspect of my journey.
From the elements, to the archetypes and Chakras to numerology and of course.. the journey.
The more my anxiety decreased and the more I lived in the moment, the less I would need to depend on tarot. The more in control I am in my world, the less I felt the urge to consult tarot because I knew I had the tools to direct my life.
I became strong in my position; that’s when the Universe tested me.. old clients, prospective clients, contracts, and more came from every direction.. asking me to come back.
Come back and share my wisdom.
Come back and tell me the future.
Come back and give me reassurance.
Come back and make another tarot deck.
Come back and write a book.
Come back and show me what you know about spirituality.
Come back and teach me business.
I asked the Universe to help me understand how I come back to tarot and not be the drug dealing enabler preventing these beautiful souls from feeling the joy and peace that I feel by being in control of my life and my emotions.
It was then that I began to realize that tarot cards are very much like my son’s PECS cards from when he was a young child with autism struggling to learn language.
What is PECS? It stands for Picture Exchange Communication System, and is often used with children that have autism or have other difficulties with learning language.
Tarot is a bridge between the mundane and the spiritual worlds to help communicate a language. That language is a language of the spiritual world that most either don’t understand or don’t speak fluently.
The picture gives us the principles of what we are to grasp. It can give us a schedule, a sentence, and a response to a question.
But what we don’t want is for someone to become dependent on the pictures in order to communicate. Eventually people need to learn how to speak in order to fully function, otherwise we enable them to be dependent in a world full of questions and anxiety they can’t control.
This language is spoken fluently all around us in our world full of pictures.. moving pictures of living soul-filled energy and vibrantly gorgeous colors. It’s all around, but if you can’t read it, speak to it, understand it, or hear it’s whispers.. then how can you communicate with it fluently every day.. every moment.. every minute? How is it then, that you can every truly live?
In gaining back my life, I am in a position to help others gain back theirs.. by learning to speak and communicate spiritually.. using tarot cards as the bridge while you learn.
Learn healthy mindsets
Learn to be in control of your journey.
Learn how the universe works so you can be free to experience it.
Learn to live life.. and love life.. through freewill.
I hope you join me as I share with you my tarot wisdom, spiritual journey and creative expression as I come back to tarot and life from a new perspective.
July 5, 2014